The Kid Who Changed My Life
I get a lot of questions related to Noah not being "white." Is he yours? Did you adopt him? Are you his nanny? NANNY?! I've gotten so many questions throughout his life that I don't bat an eye anymore. Some people might get offended, but I just throw out something along the lines of "he's mine, I just take him to the tanning bed a few times a week" or "no, he's not mine, I took him from that lady over there," pointing to the closest person with skin color resembling his I can find. So I figure I'll go ahead and do a blog post on it to get it all out there. First things first, Noah is 100% my child. Unless he was swapped with another baby in the hospital that I'm unaware of, he's mine.
I think having children is one of the most beautiful, crazy, overwhelming, meaningful experiences anyone can live through. When I found out I was pregnant with Noah I was 20, single, hadn't finished college, partied too much, was unprepared for life in general and scared. Scared for what I was going to do and how my future would pan out. I was encouraged to abort the pregnancy by multiple people, but that wasn't an option for me. It had a little to do with my personal beliefs, but a lot more to do with hearing his heartbeat and knowing he was mine. The young, dumb, 20-year-old had a beautiful strong heartbeat that wasn't her own on the inside of her. I knew. But how would I raise the baby? There would be parenting books or something right? YouTube tutorials? Certainly someone would have a DIY, step-by-step guide somewhere. I had no idea, but I knew raising Noah was the only option my heart would entertain. Noah changed me. I grew up a little bit (a lotta bit) faster, I finished college with twice the academic load of a normal student and I threw everything I had into parenting. I stumbled along the way, but Noah is the reason I am who I am today. Any and all of my successes are because of the motivation he gave me through his existence.
I won't go into too much detail, but Noah's father (at the time) didn't have very much involvement. In fact, I was alone (with Noah) in the hospital room when I signed his birth certificate. I knew no matter what we faced, or who else was around, I would be there for him. So I gave him my last name. That cute little baby would grow up as Noah Rosasco.
Fast forward 9 years and that little baby is quite a bit bigger. He's turning into a young man that I am so very proud of. His father is consistently and actively in his life now. His last name has always been a bit of a sensitive subject throughout co-parenting, and understandably so. I had my reasons for Noah carrying Rosasco as his last name and I stood by that decision, very strongly, for years.
But things have changed so much since Noah was born and he gets to have both parents equally involved now. The idea of changing his last name from Rosasco to Moss (to share his father's last name) had been brought to the table frequently. I shut it down for awhile and then I opened up to the idea of hyphenating it. I was only willing to consider Rosasco-Moss. For reasons that I thought (and still do) were very valid. Feelings of protection, selfishness and love went into my decision. He would be Noah Rosasco-Moss and he would still carry me with him everyday of his life. But when I started filling out the legal paperwork to change his name I got to thinking. What happens when he gets married and has kids? Will his wife and kids have to have a hyphenated name? Would that make things harder on them? I was laying out what would be the future, not only for him, but for his family one day. My future family. I planned on changing my last name from Rosasco to Yeargin (my husband's name) anyway, but delayed it because I wanted to share this with Noah (shout out to my super patient husband of 2 years). My mind started racing. I wanted to do what was going to be the easiest for Noah and it seemed like Moss, no hyphenation, made the most sense. So that's what I did. For the first time ever, I wrote Noah's full name and left off Rosasco.
I called my husband crying because I felt like I was losing a little bit of Noah. Of course I wasn't, and I never will. He could change his name to Mario or Luigi (names he previously wished I had named him) and he would still be my son. The one I loved from the instant I found out about him.
If you've come in contact with me the last week and I've seemed a little out of it, this is why. That kid has my heart and I am 100% ok with the decision I made, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I know there are so many people out there who co-parent and I'm sure you can relate to the difficulties. You may not be going through this situation exactly, but you're not alone in feeling pulled in multiple directions. Stay strong mamas, and keep lovin' on those babies!